Thursday, 5 May 2016

Rest now my brave warrior

Today I met another part of me.

A part dedicated to trying to control and suppress my feelings.

It was angry, violent, terrified, despairing and exhausted.
Because it had been given an impossible job
when I was only 3 or 4 years old.

And it had been trying to do this impossible job
without any success for all these years
creating an exhausting unending war inside me.

When I was small

It wasn’t OK to be angry.

It wasn’t OK to be sad.

It wasn’t OK to be scared.

It was made clear to me that these feelings
were not acceptable.

They needed to be controlled.

There was no other way.
I was shown no other way.
None of the adults around me knew any other way.
So for me there was no other way.

And so this part was born
At age 3 or 4
Whose job
Was to control these “bad” feelings
By any means necessary.

But feelings can’t be controlled
And he didn’t have the means
Although every day he tried
Even though it tired him out.

And he became angry with these feelings
That kept on coming
And that he could not control.

And he felt violent towards
These feelings
Over which he had no power
And he could not control.

And he wanted to push away
Hurt, kill or destroy
These feelings
That he could not control
And that he feared
Would overwhelm
And destroy him.

And so the war inside

Now it turns out
That what these feelings needed
Was love.

All they needed was

They needed nothing
but love.

But when I was small
There were no adults
Who could teach me that.

No one who could show me
the way of internal love.

So the birth of my brave internal warrior
was indeed my best shot back then.
Although his mission
was always doomed
to failure and frustration.

Today I really met him
for the first time
Though he has travelled
with me
through the decades

And I found out from him
what he believed his job to be.
And I was sad.
And it all made sense.

And I told him
For the first time
You don’t need to do that job
It’s not your job to try to control the feelings.

It was never your job honey.
It was never your job.

And he wept.
Because it had been so hard
And so painful
And so exhausting
And so frustrating
And so desperate
And so futile
And so impossible.

He wept
In sorrow
And in deep deep relief.

And for perhaps
One of the first times
In 42 years
He really allowed himself
To rest.

And I felt the start
Of the possibility
Of exchanging war
For peace


  1. I feel sad too Daniel. Like you I have a little boy inside who has taken on a lonely, impossible job. And, like you, I have found my way to him. We play together now.

    Bless you for finding your little boy and comforting him. What an amazing beautiful boy he is. I imagine he will bring you a lot of joy!

  2. so touching Daniel. ..... thank you.

  3. Thank you Daniel. Different experience for me, but your honesty lights the path for me.