Wintry afternoon poem

Trees sway
Ever so slightly
Against a wintry
Sun-setting sky
Outside my window.

Naked branches
Tickling the blue and orangey-pink.

A gentle warm sadness
Touches my mouth and heart
For no discernible reason.

An ineffable sense of wellbeing
Suffuses my core
And seems to fill the space
Where I sit writing.

Soft, kind, mother-like.

"It's all OK, you know"
she says.

Notes from the wide open space

I've just come back from a beautiful and challenging retreat in Portugal.

Beautiful because it contained many experiences of remembering who I really am, and challenging because there were many times when I forgot, and even more painfully times when knew that I had forgotten but was not able to let go and return to knowing my true self.

I offer 3 short poems that speak to the remembering.

~

I am the space
And everything that arises
in the space.

But first, I am the space.

~

To cherish myself
is to cherish
the wide open space
and the tender appearance
that is just now
arising out of it.

~

So there is nothing to do
Any doing
takes me away
from resting in
who I am.

Surrender.  Bow down.  Love.

~

It's the not feeling the feelings

It's the not feeling the feelings
that is intolerable.
(Or at least seems to be).

Sitting in my place on the sofa
staring out the window
I'm somewhat aware of what feels like
fear in the background,
and vaguely aware of pushing it away.

The thought arises:
"This is horrible, I am unhappy,
I can't live like this".
And with it the imagination that this
low-level torture
will continue forever.

Then...
I actually feel the feelings...

...and there is soft sweet sadness
and I can see the wintery trees swaying gently
and I'm touched by both.

And it's really okay.
It's better than okay - it's really touching.

And it's completely bearable
to feel the feelings.

And if this sadness, this touchedness
continued this way forever
that would be fine by me.

Reunion.

Life and I locked eyes today for the first time,
In a place I recognised as here.
She smiled and said:
"I've been waiting for you.
Come closer,
Kiss me,
Stay."

This moment is the revelation

Start from the assumption that this moment is the revelation.

That paradise is here and now,

Although you are not yet experiencing it,

And it might feel quite the opposite.

Get curious with your heart

As to what gifts are being presented.

The delight is in the unwrapping.

First Intimacy

First Intimacy

Cherishing myself,

Cherishing myself,

Cherishing

myself.

And only then,

only then

only

then

Reaching out

from where I am

to meet

you.

Bad boy

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

[Mary Oliver - Wild Geese]

I've realised recently that as a child I was made to feel ashamed for wanting what I wanted.

And I've realised that this shame has been at the core of a lot of my adult behaviour.  And it may be about time to let it go.

I've written a poem which talks about this and I'd like to share it with you.

~


Bad boy

No-one will love me if I ask for what I want.

That's what my mum told me, so it must be true.

And she loves me. 

She's only telling me because she loves me.

That's what my mum told me, 

So it must be true.

Because I ask for what I want, when it's not what she wants

I'm a “selfish boy”.

And no-one will love me if I'm a selfish boy.

A boy who wants what he wants.

My mum told me,

So it must be true.

So all I need to do

For mum to love me

And you to love me

Is for me not to want what I want.

And instead to want what she wants,

And to want what you want.

This is being a “good boy”.

That's what my mum told me,

So it must be true.

But the truth is,

The truth is,

I don't want what you want

I want what I want.

That means she won't love me.

That means you won't love me.

This means that no-one can love me.

I'm a bad boy.

That's what my mum told me,

So it must be true.

~

But to survive, I'll pretend

To want what she wants me to want

To want what you want me to want

I'll try to figure out who you want me to be.

In order for you to love me.

How do you want me to be in order for you to love me?

Like this?

Or maybe this?

No...that's not working

How about this?

If I try really hard to figure out who I need to be

Then I can be that good boy

And perhaps you'll love me.

You'll love me until you discover my deep dark secret.

That I do want want I want.

And not what you want.

That deep down, I'm a selfish,

Bad boy.

That if you knew what I was really like

You wouldn't love me

Couldn't love me.

That's what my mum said, 

So it must be true.

~

And what do I want?

I've almost forgotten.

And it's not worth remembering

Because I shouldn't want it.

And I'm not going to get it anyway.

That's what my mum said,

So it must be true.

~

But perhaps...

Just perhaps

What mummy said wasn't true after all.

Perhaps it's OK for me to want what I want

And it's OK for you to want what you want.

And I can love you in your wanting

And you can love me in mine.

And I'm not a bad boy, or a good boy.

I'm simply a boy who grew up to be a man.

A man who simply wants what he wants.

A man who sometimes gets it right and sometimes gets it wrong.

And who is loveable,

Regardless.

~

love

Daniel