tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44320729698597506902024-03-08T05:12:25.095-08:00ordinarymysteriesDrkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.comBlogger43125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-5386331257955152132023-09-21T11:45:00.001-07:002023-09-21T11:45:44.771-07:00I am the one<p> </p><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I am the one</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Who is neither</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ease nor difficulty</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yet contains them both.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I am the one who is neither</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ease nor difficulty</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yet can hold them both.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I am the one who is neither</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ease nor difficulty</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yet can touch them both.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And be touched by them.</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">I am the one who is neither</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">ease nor difficulty,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Terror nor safety,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Pain nor joy,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;"><br /></div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">Yet can allow them</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">To meet</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">to dance together,</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">And sometimes</div><div style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small;">to rest.</div><div><br /></div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-91478639184664335302020-12-05T03:58:00.001-08:002020-12-05T03:58:55.267-08:00Waves<p>This experience just happened. It was both remarkable and unremarkable. It revealed things that I had discovered before...and had seemingly forgotten regarding pain and how <i>convincing</i> it is. So the insights are both new and not new to me. At one level obvious and at another level a revelation.</p><p>And this poem arose - perhaps not the very best or most polished poem, and yet written in the immediate aftermath of the experience as it revealed itself – so containing something of the fragrance of the revelation. So I share it here as a reminder to myself and in case it touches anyone else.</p><p><br /></p><p>~</p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b>Waves</b></p><p><br /></p><p>Waves of intense emotional pain.</p><p>Arising from…</p><p>Who knows where?</p><p><br /></p><p>For a moment,</p><p>the feelings of despair, desperation and anguish</p><p>Seem utterly convincing...</p><p><br /></p><p>… until</p><p>by Grace</p><p>I find myself embracing </p><p>and feeling the pain,</p><p>Pure and simple,</p><p>Intense and clean.</p><p><br /></p><p>And then I see that the pain </p><p>is just pain.</p><p>It doesn’t mean anything.</p><p>It doesn’t signify anything.</p><p><br /></p><p>Those feelings of </p><p>desperation, despair and anguish </p><p>are simply memories, </p><p>from who knows where </p><p>and who knows when.</p><p><br /></p><p>I feel the pain again.</p><p>It surges and swells.</p><p>I let it flow through me.</p><p><br /></p><p>It subsides.</p><p>There is releasing.</p><p>There is opening, </p><p>to the world outside and its beauty. </p><p><br /></p><p>There is gentle strong joy. </p><p>I am home. </p><p><br /></p><p>~</p><p><br /></p><p>With surrender, joy and gratitude</p><p>Daniel x</p>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-82453334387533100372020-08-25T10:09:00.002-07:002020-08-25T10:45:19.294-07:00 Desperation, Despair and Gratitude<p><span face=""><b>I’m beginning to realise just how desperate I often felt as a child.</b></span><span face=""> </span><span face="">It feels strange to look back and recognise that I was feeling things so scary to relate with that I couldn’t even admit to myself that I was feeling them at the time.</span><span face=""> </span><span face="">To acknowledge that I was feeling as desperate, despairing, alone, angry, scared and confused as I felt.</span><span face=""> </span><span face="">And hateful.</span><span face=""> </span><span face="">The deep fear that at my core that I wasn’t worthy of love and that if people knew how pathetic and awful I was they would despise me, and I would be friendless, isolated and alone for ever.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">It wasn’t that I felt this way every moment of every day. There were carefree times of simple playing, pleasure or happiness. I’ve seen childhood pictures where I am genuinely smiling and I don’t have a care in the world. I believe that in those moments I was simply happy.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">But many times, especially in social situations these intense and difficult feelings were sitting in the background, like scary movie music that set the mood but I couldn’t quite consciously hear anymore, meaning I was often trying to have a conversation with these voices whispering in the background. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">And they often came with me into the spaces when I was alone – a gnawing sense of desperate isolation and confusion. My mantra when alone would often be “I don’t know” (said over and over again in a voice of bewildered lost-ness). I’ve recently seen some photos of me at school at age 12 or 13. I don’t know what others could see at the time, but looking at them now, I can see a little boy who appears bewildered and lost.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">And I’m realising that these feelings haven’t gone away as I’ve grown up. This background of desperation and despair has accompanied me throughout my life. Many of the things I’ve done, good and bad, have been done acting out of this sense that I have to do something to “save myself”, even though I don’t really know what it is, and even though I don’t know what I’m trying to save myself from. My sense of driven-ness to achieve, which has fuelled much of my worldly success, has come out of from a desperation to escape from these voices or to prove them wrong. Like many outwardly "successful" people the fuel for achievement comes from a deep sense of unworthiness, and there's a cost. I often feel like I’m “trying too hard”, even though I am very competent to do what I’m doing, and it’s pretty exhausting. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">And these feelings are intense! On a scale of 0-10 most of the feelings are at the 9 to 10 mark, when I get close to them and actually feel them. They are only being felt by a small part of me, but that part is feeling them very very intensely. It’s hard to say in the experience of them if they are present time or memory, and if the memories are from all from my lifetime or partly my ancestors’ experience. The part that is feeling the feelings doesn’t seem able to distinguish what time they relate to, so it’s “as if” they are all happening now. And to that extent they are.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">The feelings are all interconnected like a ball of twine. At times it seems that one is primary but in truth they all feel inter-linked. The desperation is a sense that “everything is awful” and it’s a response to pain that feels overwhelming, and a fear or belief that the pain will continue forever. The pain is a pain of loneliness, of feeling isolated and alone and is deeply linked to a belief that I’m not loveable. A belief that I am fundamentally broken, “pathetic” and disgusting in some way. A belief that I am fundamentally “bad”, without really knowing what that means. There is a rage that all this is happening, coming out of this sense of powerlessness. There is a desperate wishing for love and support, whilst at the same time believing that it won’t and can’t be forthcoming, followed by a sense of despair. There is a frozen terror of being all alone for eternity with this pain. It sounds dramatic and to my mind "over dramatic", but this part of me really does believe these things and really fears them.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">I have a sense that many of these feelings and attitudes were passed on to me by my parents and probably to them by their parents. That I grew up in a background atmosphere of this (as presumably they did). I certainly recognise many of these flavours being present in my mum and dad as I recall my childhood. And from their stories of their childhoods, I can sense that they were probably there as they grew up too. And so there is a sense that this is not just about my immediate history, but also an ancestral story too, of collected inter-generational pain and suffering.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">And this has all been so difficult for me to see up until now because it has been wrapped in a layer of shame. I did not dare to admit to myself that this was happening for fear that it would confirm just how “broken” and “awful” I was, and therefore how unworthy of love, care or respect. <o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">Additionally, these feelings were also wrapped in layers of control and resistance. Parts of me that were terrified that to feel these strong feelings, because they were scared that they would wipe me out and destroy me. So the clamped down hard on those feelings so I shouldn't feel them. Or there was a sudden urge to distract myself from something unpleasant...but I couldn't quite feel what. Sometimes it just manifested as an urgent desire to check the newspaper, my email or facebook!<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">I now recognise that much of the time I am not (and have not been) feeling the pain of feelings themselves, but the pain of the <i>fighting</i> them. The pain and suffering of the contraction around them - the aspect that is desperate that I should not feel them. I often forget this, but when I remember there is the possibility of meeting the aspects that are resisting and fighting. The possibility of including them and thanking them for trying to keep me safe. And the possibility of some of that fight relaxing enough for me to feel and include what was hidden underneath.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">In the revelation of this pain and suffering, there is a sense of relief. As if something that has been hidden from me “out of the corner of my eye” has suddenly become visible. “Ah…so that’s what it was!”. It makes sense of much of my experience growing up and subsequently, and also of the behaviours I developed to deal with this experience that formed the background hum of my existence.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">There now arises the possibility to be with these aspects of my embodied existence more directly. To listen to them with kindness and compassion and to support them with love.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">And although what has been revealed is intense and painful there is a sense of gratitude that I have been ready and willing to see it and feel it, or at least to <i>start</i> to see it and to feel it. And the possibility of coming home and resting in myself and with myself. To let go of the trying and to relax into a simple joyful being in connection with myself and the world.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">And at the same time, it also often feels sobering, to see how intense things have been in the background, and how intense it continues to be there. To see that the resistance and the fear to feel still continues, and how habitual that resistance and suffering has been and continues to be. And to do my best to meet that too with kindness.<o:p></o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;"><o:p> </o:p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: calibri, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; margin: 0cm;">So here I sit in the midst of it all, seeing and not seeing, resisting and surrendering, tight and specious, including and acting out, daunted and grateful. And right now, in this moment, mostly grateful.<o:p></o:p></p>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-51999217136589987432019-07-09T10:47:00.002-07:002019-07-09T15:57:58.730-07:00Pain...and my relationship to itAt a retreat a couple of years ago in Devon my teacher suggested to me that I had a somewhat suspect relationship to pain.<br />
<br />
And I realised that he was right.<br />
<br />
I mean, hardly any of us like pain, but it is a necessary part of life and if we are denying it and doing everything we can to avoid feeling it, we're not living our lives as free, but as some level "on the run". And that's where I was at. At some level addicted to my identity as "suffering" but not willing to drop underneath that and simply feel the pain (along with the pleasure and the more neutral feelings). I wasn't willing to feel everything, which is a pity, because life is everything from intense pleasure to intense pain and through every shade in between.<br />
<br />
I feel like I've been reassessing and renegotiating my relationship with pain since then.<br />
<br />
I wouldn't say that even now it's always healthy or functional, but it feels like it's more in that direction.<br />
<br />
Here's a poem at arrived this morning which speaks a little to where I find myself on this now:<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
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It’s not about <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
whether we carry pain.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We all do. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It’s about whether we are<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Driven by it<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Into tiny acts <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Of Desperation<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Or whether we can find the space<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To listen and meet that pain <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
With love <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whilst loving the space and the ease<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
That were always here too, alongside.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whether we can find the joy of living<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In the midst of the pain and the pleasure...<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
Ending our negotiation with life,<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Instead submitting<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
To be free<o:p></o:p></div>
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In our little boat</div>
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Riding the waves. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
With love and (more inclusion)<br />
<br />
Daniel</div>
Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-45762027160361132112018-03-29T07:01:00.000-07:002018-03-29T07:05:37.468-07:00Self Concern...and true Inquiry<div>
This is poem that wrote itself at about 5am on the last day of a stunning (and very challenging) 2 week retreat this February.<br />
<b> </b><br />
I feel very vulnerable sharing this because it feels like a very precious revelation and because my mind is fearful that I can't or won't live it. And living this revelation is what my heart yearns for over and above anything else. So here it is...<br /><b></b><br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Self concern </b></span></div>
<div>
<b><br />
</b></div>
<div>
Tonight at 4.30am I experienced </div>
<div>
True inquiry</div>
<div>
Perhaps for the first time. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It was touching. </div>
<div>
It was beautiful </div>
<div>
It was stunning. </div>
<div>
It was undeniable. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Awareness noticed that the being was indentified</div>
<div>
So it remembered itself</div>
<div>
It entered life through the heart as Presence </div>
<div>
And simply recovered intimacy with itself</div>
<div>
And wept as it remembered</div>
<div>
The heart of intimacy. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Tears of gratitude. Coming home. At last. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Then it said:</div>
<div>
“From <i>here</i> we can start”</div>
<div>
Touched it cried gently again and said:</div>
<div>
“<i>Now</i> we can start”</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Awareness as love</div>
<div>
Noticed an attitude of self concern arise </div>
<div>
Gosh! It said. </div>
<div>
Interesting!</div>
<div>
What’s <i>that</i>?</div>
<div>
So it started by asking “what’s it like?”</div>
<div>
And by becoming in it and as it very soon </div>
<div>
From the inside it simply knew. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
But the inquiry didn’t stop</div>
<div>
It continued dropping </div>
<div>
And unfolding</div>
<div>
By itself </div>
<div>
Until something like a deep resting place was found </div>
<div>
And awareness was satisfied </div>
<div>
And touched. </div>
<div>
That it understood. </div>
<div>
Then inquiry went on inquiring into other things </div>
<div>
Such as appreciating the nature of inquiry!</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Stunning. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
It wrote the above </div>
<div>
With the help of clear rested mind</div>
<div>
At 5am</div>
<div>
When being decided it had better things</div>
<div>
To do than </div>
<div>
Sleep. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
~</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The self concern:</div>
“Am I ok?” is
<br />
<div>
<i>Really</i> “Am I fundamentally broken?”</div>
<div>
Fundamentally useless and unloveable </div>
<div>
Will I be left alone and unloved?</div>
<div>
A broken thing</div>
<div>
On the scrapheap </div>
<div>
Alone, lonely and suffering </div>
<div>
Forever.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
From a place of self intimacy </div>
<div>
It can be seen that this was never true. </div>
<div>
I was never broken/wrong/</div>
<div>
That this was just a painful untrue cherished belief </div>
<div>
At the core of who I thought I was</div>
<div>
And who I have habitually taken myself to be</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I didn’t discover the truth of this </div>
<div>
Love discovered the truth of this </div>
<div>
Through inquiry </div>
<div>
Because it wanted to find out </div>
<div>
What was at the heart of suffering</div>
<div>
Because love is interested </div>
<div>
In everything </div>
<div>
Including pain. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Inquiry did inquiry </div>
<div>
Being discovering itself </div>
<div>
Because it wants to find out</div>
<div>
Because it cares. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Awareness was doing inquiry </div>
<div>
Into “me”. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
~</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Having been fully understood. </div>
<div>
From the inside</div>
<div>
The attitude of self concern</div>
<div>
Need not </div>
<div>
Ever be taken seriously </div>
<div>
Again</div>
<div>
Instead it can be consumed</div>
<div>
As the first course</div>
<div>
Of the banquet</div>
<div>
Of the remains of who I was. </div>
Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-65858298229357339282018-03-29T06:48:00.001-07:002018-03-29T06:49:39.720-07:00Looking after the vulnerable and young parts...Over the past 5 years I've had a series of increasingly touching set of meetings with the vulnerable "young" parts of my being, which psychologists or psychotherapists tend to call "the Inner Child".<br />
<br />
My understanding of this framing is that the parts of us that get emotional (and especially scared) never really grow up and forever function as if they are a small child. That's certainly how it feels to me when I meet these parts of me.<br />
<br />
This "child" doesn't really engage via rational reasoning - it's too young for that. The main language it speaks is <i>feelings</i> and the main things it needs are being listened to with love and reassurance that it is OK and loved just as it is, and that in the midst of the fear it is feeling, all is in fact well.<br />
<br />
This is essentially the way we would relate with a young pre-verbal child - love, warmth, attention and hugs. And it makes the most beautiful difference.<br />
<br />
I had some very touching realisations about this following a recent retreat and two poems arose.<br />
<br />
Here they are:<br />
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Running and Resting </b></span><br />
<br />
<div>
I have spent </div>
<div>
the whole of my life</div>
<div>
until now</div>
<div>
running on empty</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
driven by the distress</div>
<div>
of a child inside me</div>
<div>
desperate to be held</div>
<div>
and stroked </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
and told “It’s ok, I’m here”</div>
<div>
and told “you’re ok exactly as you are...</div>
<div>
...I love you</div>
<div>
just like this.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
No need to move a muscle</div>
<div>
No need to change a thing</div>
<div>
You are safe</div>
<div>
You are so very very loved</div>
<div>
Just like this.”</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Rest now honey.</div>
<div>
No need to run</div>
<div>
Ever again. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I’m with you. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
We can rest</div>
<div>
together. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
With love, gratitude and gentle resting. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
~<br />
<br />
<div>
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>He</b></span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He</div>
<div>
My little one</div>
<div>
Is my first priority.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
He had had some </div>
<div>
Pretty scary experiences</div>
<div>
Coming into the world </div>
<div>
So he’s often not sure</div>
<div>
If he can trust</div>
<div>
Life. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
If left without reassurance </div>
<div>
He spends most of his time</div>
<div>
On amber or red alert. </div>
<div>
With alarm bells ringing. </div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">Which is really understandable. </span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: rgba(255,255,255,0);">In the circumstances. </span></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When doesn’t get the reassurance,</div>
<div>
That he needs </div>
<div>
To feel safe enough,</div>
<div>
he feels desperate.</div>
<div>
And desperate measures are called for...</div>
<div>
Something, anything will do</div>
<div>
To switch off the alarm</div>
<div>
Or distract from the pain.</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Life for both of us,</div>
<div>
He and me,</div>
<div>
Becomes a scrabble </div>
<div>
For safety -</div>
<div>
Doing deals</div>
<div>
Trying to manipulate or control the world </div>
<div>
Trying to get reassurance “you’re ok”. </div>
<div>
Yet it is never enough. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
When I remember that he</div>
<div>
Is only a part of me</div>
<div>
When I remember myself</div>
<div>
As the vast open space</div>
<div>
When I fall in love with silence...</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
I can hold him </div>
<div>
so very gently</div>
<div>
with no agenda </div>
<div>
other to be with him</div>
<div>
and everything else </div>
<div>
that appears in me</div>
<div>
exactly as they are. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And everything can feel held</div>
<div>
In love. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
And can feel safe enough to</div>
<div>
Come out to play</div>
<div>
And dance</div>
<div>
With no motive </div>
<div>
Other than to be life </div>
<div>
Meeting life. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Like waves waving </div>
<div>
And meeting</div>
<div>
On a vast ocean. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
The ocean doesn’t mind</div>
<div>
a few choppy waves </div>
<div>
The ocean doesn’t mind being a huge tsunami </div>
<div>
The ocean doesn’t mind being as flat as a millpond. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is how god loves us. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
This is who we are. </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
~</div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
With love, tenderness, wonder and vast vast space </div>
<div>
<br /></div>
<div>
Daniel</div>
Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-40752679406957102822016-05-07T02:09:00.003-07:002016-05-07T02:13:42.227-07:00Tasting silenceI sit<br />
Appreciating the silence<br />
That forever<br />
Underscores<br />
Sound.<br />
<br />
As the M1<br />
Thunders and swooshes<br />
Around me<br />
<br />
As feelings<br />
Thoughts<br />
And sensations<br />
Dance, sparkle<br />
Fight and play<br />
Within me.<br />
<br />
I sit,<br />
<br />
And luxuriate<br />
In gratitude<br />
For the silence<br />
That has never left me.<br />
<br />
That has always<br />
Generously<br />
Accompanied me.<br />
<br />
The exquisite bridge<br />
Between the world<br />
And eternity.<br />
<br />
A tear forms.<br />
<br />
I know<br />
I am home.Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-41443816962542628052016-05-05T03:39:00.001-07:002016-05-05T03:39:18.655-07:00Rest now my brave warriorToday I met another part of me.<br /><br />A part dedicated to trying to control and suppress my feelings.<br /><br />It was angry, violent, terrified, despairing and exhausted.<br />Because it had been given an impossible job<br />when I was only 3 or 4 years old.<br /><br />And it had been trying to do this impossible job<br />without any success for all these years<br />creating an exhausting unending war inside me.<br /><br />When I was small <br /><br />It wasn’t OK to be angry.<br /><br />It wasn’t OK to be sad.<br /><br />It wasn’t OK to be scared.<br /><br />It was made clear to me that these feelings <br />were not acceptable.<br /><br />They needed to be controlled.<br /><br />There was no other way.<br />I was shown no other way.<br />None of the adults around me <i>knew</i> any other way.<br />So for me there was no other way.<br /><br />And so this part was born<br />At age 3 or 4<br />Whose job<br />Was to control these “bad” feelings<br />By any means necessary.<br /><br />But feelings can’t be controlled<br />And he didn’t have the means<br />Although every day he tried<br />Even though it tired him out.<br /><br />And he became angry with these feelings<br />That kept on coming<br />And that he could not control.<br /><br />And he felt violent towards<br />These feelings <br />Over which he had no power<br />And he could not control.<br /><br />And he wanted to push away<br />Hurt, kill or destroy<br />These feelings<br />That he could not control<br />And that he feared<br />Would overwhelm <br />And destroy him.<br /><br />And so the war inside<br />began.<br /><br />Now it turns out<br />That what these feelings needed<br />Was love.<br /><br />All they needed was<br />love.<br /><br />They needed nothing <br />but love.<br /><br />But when I was small <br />There were no adults <br />Who could teach me that.<br /><br />No one who could show me<br />the way of internal love.<br /><br />So the birth of my brave internal warrior<br />was indeed my best shot back then.<br />Although his mission <br />was always doomed<br />to failure and frustration.<br /><br />Today I really met him <br />for the first time<br />Though he has travelled<br />with me<br />through the decades<br /><br />And I found out from him<br />what he believed his job to be.<br />And I was sad.<br />And it all made sense.<br /><br />And I told him <br />For the first time<br />You don’t need to do that job<br />It’s not your job to try to control the feelings.<br /><br />It was never your job honey.<br />It was never your job.<br /><br />And he wept.<br />Because it had been so hard<br />And so painful<br />And so exhausting <br />And so frustrating<br />And so desperate<br />And so futile<br />And so impossible.<br /><br />He wept<br />In sorrow<br />And in deep deep relief.<br /><br />And for perhaps <br />One of the first times<br />In 42 years<br />He really allowed himself<br />To rest.<br /><br />And I felt the start<br />Of the possibility<br />Of exchanging war<br />For peace<br />Inside.Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-50220452293065944392016-05-04T13:40:00.003-07:002016-05-05T00:07:21.417-07:00What the mind really wantsSitting in a satsang this evening with Pamela Wilson I found myself writing this and I felt to share...<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
The minds deepest wish is to relax open.<br />
<br />
Repetitive circular thinking is the minds attempt to self soothe.<br />
<br />
It is mainly trying to soothe itself from the agitation from the terrified places in the body,<br />
<br />
Which doesn't work...<br />
<br />
In fact, it's about as effective as rearranging the deck chairs on the Titantic<br />
<br />
But it's the mind's best shot.<br />
<br />
The mind has simply mis-understood its function and the range of its capabilities.<br />
<br />
The agitation in the body can only be soothed by the heart.<br />
<br />
The agitation can rest in the heart.<br />
<br />
The mind can rest in the heart.<br />
<br />
Then the mind can return to its job of creative thinking...<br />
<br />
And for the remainder of the the time when it isn't required to think creatively,<br />
<br />
To relax open and hang out in openness.<br />
<br />
The mind is scared that if it relaxes open it won't be able to protect the terrified places, and all will be lost.<br />
<br />
But in fact it never could.<br />
<br />
This is just a simple innocent mis-understanding of the mind.<br />
<br />
There aren't many big misunderstandings the mind has...but their effects can be significant, frustrating and painful.<br />
<br />
No need for that any more.<br />
<br />
~Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-7696487661062427652016-04-18T03:40:00.001-07:002016-04-19T13:35:16.616-07:00On the wolves and tryingI've been revisiting my relationship with trying recently.<br />
<br />
I realise that <a href="http://ordinarymysteries.blogspot.co.uk/2010_03_01_archive.html">I last wrote about this</a> 6 years ago! <br />
<br />
I'm now recognising that trying is completely tangled up in everything, and that it's a great route into seeing where I'm coming from.<br />
<br />
When I'm coming from my personality, there's trying happening. When I'm coming from space, curiosity and love, on the whole it isn't.<br />
<br />
And it's not black and white - the more I'm rooted in personality, the more trying and vice versa.<br />
<br />
So, when I notice myself trying, this gives me a choice. To continue doing what I was doing and carry on trying, or to drop it and enjoy the space that arises.<br />
<br />
Here are 2 poems that arrived yesterday out of this inquiry:<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
An old man tells a young boy a story<br />
Of the two wolves fighting inside every person<br />
One is black, unkind and mean<br />
One is white and noble<br />
They are engaged in an eternal struggle<br />
Upon its outcome rests the fate of the world.<br />
"But which one wins?" asks the young boy?<br />
"Whichever one you feed." replies the old man, "Whichever one you feed".<br />
<br />
True Inquiry is the opposite of doing<br />
It is allowing.<br />
<br />
It doesn't know where it's going.<br />
<br />
There is no destination<br />
Just a constant unfolding.<br />
<br />
There is no trying<br />
Because trying is trying to achieve something<br />
And that presumes a known goal<br />
And a person who will achieve it.<br />
<br />
The truth is we don't know our destination<br />
Or what is, in fact, for the best.<br />
<br />
The one who thinks they know<br />
Is not the one we really are.<br />
<br />
When trying falls away<br />
Space remains.<br />
<br />
Not knowing becomes apparent,<br />
Curiosity arises<br />
Love arises.<br />
<br />
Things unfold<br />
Gently<br />
Unpredictably<br />
Beautifully.<br />
<br />
Including pain and difficulty<br />
With love<br />
In the midst of vast space<br />
Including ease, grace and joy<br />
With love<br />
In kind space.<br />
<br />
Being as interested in the space<br />
As what arises.<br />
No destination<br />
Just an open heart.<br />
<br />
If you find yourself trying,<br />
You are not wrong.<br />
You're just feeding the other wolf. <br />
<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
Where you're coming from<br />
Determines where you're going.<br />
<br />
If you're trying<br />
You're not ready.<br />
<br />
Relax.<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
With love and letting go<br />
<br />
Daniel <br />
<br />Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-78513660339891503872016-01-15T07:53:00.001-08:002016-01-15T08:45:30.939-08:00Wintry afternoon poemTrees sway<br />
Ever so slightly<br />
Against a wintry<br />
Sun-setting sky<br />
Outside my window.<br />
<br />
Naked branches<br />
Tickling the blue and orangey-pink.<br />
<br />
A gentle warm sadness<br />
Touches my mouth and heart<br />
For no discernible reason.<br />
<br />
An ineffable sense of wellbeing<br />
Suffuses my core<br />
And seems to fill the space<br />
Where I sit writing.<br />
<br />
Soft, kind, mother-like.<br />
<br />
"It's all OK, you know"<br />
she says.Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-40521804457711833692015-07-18T14:35:00.000-07:002015-07-18T14:38:24.399-07:00Notes from the wide open spaceI've just come back from a beautiful and challenging retreat in Portugal.<br />
<br />
Beautiful because it contained many experiences of remembering who I really am, and challenging because there were many times when I forgot, and even more painfully times when knew that I had forgotten but was not able to let go and return to knowing my true self.<br />
<br />
I offer 3 short poems that speak to the remembering.<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
I am the space<br />
And everything that arises<br />
in the space.<br />
<br />
But first, I am the space.<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
To cherish myself<br />
is to cherish<br />
the wide open space<br />
and the tender appearance<br />
that is just now<br />
arising out of it.<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
So there is nothing to do<br />
Any doing<br />
takes me away<br />
from resting in<br />
who I am.<br />
<br />
Surrender. Bow down. Love.<br />
<br />
~Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-24595282486485081102015-01-09T02:02:00.000-08:002015-01-09T02:18:23.491-08:00It's the not feeling the feelingsIt's the <i>not</i> feeling the feelings<br />
that is intolerable.<br />
(Or at least seems to be).<br />
<br />
Sitting in my place on the sofa<br />
staring out the window<br />
I'm somewhat aware of what feels like<br />
fear in the background,<br />
and vaguely aware of pushing it away.<br />
<br />
The thought arises:<br />
"This is horrible, I am unhappy,<br />
I can't live like this".<br />
And with it the imagination that this<br />
low-level torture<br />
will continue forever.<br />
<br />
Then...<br />
I actually <i>feel</i> the feelings...<br />
<br />
...and there is soft sweet sadness<br />
and I can see the wintery trees swaying gently<br />
and I'm touched by both.<br />
<br />
And it's really okay.<br />
It's better than okay - it's really touching.<br />
<br />
And it's completely bearable<br />
to feel the feelings.<br />
<br />
And if this sadness, this touchedness<br />
continued this way forever<br />
that would be fine by me.Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-18148220282103535252013-12-07T15:18:00.002-08:002013-12-07T15:18:35.175-08:00Reunion. <span style="background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Life and I locked eyes today for the first time,<br />In a place I recognised as here.<br />She smiled and said:<br />"I've been waiting for you.<br />Come closer,<br />Kiss me,<br />Stay."</span>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-66463475442492804542013-10-25T14:44:00.000-07:002013-10-25T14:49:46.367-07:00This moment is the revelation<div class="p1">
<br />
Start from the assumption that this moment <i>is </i>the revelation.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
That paradise is here and now,</div>
<div class="p1">
Although you are not yet experiencing it,</div>
<div class="p1">
And it might feel quite the opposite.<br />
<br /></div>
<div class="p1">
Get curious with your heart</div>
<div class="p1">
As to what gifts are being presented.</div>
<br />
<div class="p1">
The delight is in the unwrapping.</div>
Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-7206731049788617632013-10-03T06:04:00.000-07:002013-10-03T06:05:34.955-07:00First Intimacy<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">First Intimacy</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cherishing myself,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cherishing myself,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Cherishing</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">myself.</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">And only then,</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">only then</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">only</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">then</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Reaching out</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">from where I am</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">to meet</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">you.</span></div>
Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-69226890861940594252012-05-29T15:49:00.000-07:002012-05-29T15:49:25.191-07:00Bad boy<span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-align: -webkit-center;">You do not have to be good.</span><br style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-center;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-align: -webkit-center;">You do not have to walk on your knees</span><br style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-center;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-align: -webkit-center;">For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.</span><br style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-center;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-align: -webkit-center;">You only have to let the soft animal of your body</span><br style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: large; text-align: -webkit-center;" /><span style="background-color: black; color: white; font-family: Verdana, Geneva, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: medium; text-align: -webkit-center;">love what it loves.</span><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: right;">
[Mary Oliver - Wild Geese]</div>
<br />
<br />
I've realised recently that as a child I was made to feel ashamed for wanting what I wanted.<br />
<br />
And I've realised that this shame has been at the core of a lot of my adult behaviour. And it may be about time to let it go.<br />
<br />
I've written a poem which talks about this and I'd like to share it with you.<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
<br />
<b>Bad boy</b><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<i>No-one</i> will love
me if I ask for what I want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That's what my mum
told me, so it must be true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And she loves me. </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
She's only telling me because she loves me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That's what my mum
told me, </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So it must be true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Because I ask for
what I want, when it's not what she wants</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I'm a “selfish
boy”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And no-one will
love me if I'm a selfish boy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
A boy who wants
what he wants.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
My mum told me,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So it must be
true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So <i>all I need
to do</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
For mum to love me</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And you to love me</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Is for me <i>not</i>
to want what I want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And instead to
want what <i>she</i> wants,
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And to want what
<i>you</i> want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
This is being a
“good boy”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That's what my mum
told me,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So it must be
true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
But the truth is,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
The truth is,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I don't want what
<i>you</i> want</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I want what <i>I</i>
want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That means she
won't love me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That means you
won't love me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
This means that
no-one can love me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I'm a bad boy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That's what my mum
told me,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So it must be
true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
~</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
But to survive,
I'll <i>pretend</i></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
To want what she
wants me to want</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
To want what you
want me to want</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I'll try to figure
out who you want me to be.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
In order for you
to love me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
How do you want me
to be in order for you to love me?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Like this?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Or maybe this?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
No...that's not
working</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
How about this?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
If I <i>try really
hard</i> to figure out who I need to be</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Then I can be that
good boy</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And <i>perhaps</i>
you'll love me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
You'll love me
until you discover my <i>deep dark secret</i>.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That I <i>do</i>
want want I want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And not what you
want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That deep down,
I'm a selfish,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Bad boy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That if you knew
what I was really like</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
You wouldn't love
me</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Couldn't love me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That's what my mum
said, </div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So it must be true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
~</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And what do I
want?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I've almost
forgotten.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And it's not worth
remembering</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Because I
<i>shouldn't</i> want it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And I'm not going
to get it anyway.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
That's what my mum
said,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
So it must be
true.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
~</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
But perhaps...</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Just perhaps</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
What mummy said
wasn't true after all.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Perhaps it's OK
for me to want what I want</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And it's OK for
you to want what you want.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And I can love you
in your wanting</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And you can love
me in mine.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And I'm not a bad
boy, or a good boy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
I'm simply a boy
who grew up to be a man.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
A man who simply
wants what he wants.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
A man who
sometimes gets it right and sometimes gets it wrong.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
And who <i>is</i>
loveable,</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Regardless.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
~</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
love
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
Daniel</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">
<br />
</div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-69800239860851755862012-03-23T03:01:00.008-07:002012-03-24T02:35:06.900-07:00Lay down your weapons<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I'd like to talk about sex. This isn't a cheap ploy to get your attention (though if it's had that effect, I'm quite happy to have it.) It's more a way of saying that what follows is a little exploration of my relationship to some quite intense areas of human experience and I didn't want you to be taken completely by surprise...<br />
<br />
Good. Hopefully we both feel ready now. More accurately, I want to share with you about my relationship with attraction.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">It's been dawning on me recently that I often find being attracted to someone quite difficult. I don't mean that it's hard for me to get turned on. That happens very regularly and quite easily. I mean that I then usually find myself in a state of confusion as to what happens next.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I know I'm in good company. Enough songs, books, plays, films and poems have been written on the madness that often happens when two humans like each other in <i>that</i> way to convince me I'm not alone. But it was only recently that I started to get an insight as to what's going on inside me, and the light that this sheds on my wider relationship with the world. And it's this that I'd like to share with you.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">It was on the dancefloor last week that I finally realised that I often experience feeling attracted to someone as an <i>attack</i>.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I don't mean that I actually believe that the person I'm attracted to is attacking me, but my <i>body</i> often responds as if I do. There is contraction in the muscles along the front line of my chest, diaphragm and solar-plexus, a shot of adrenalin goes through my body, and an immediate sense of urgency arises within me.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I'm guessing that this has quite a bit to do with biology. The sympathetic nervous system, which governs this sort of activation is often referred to by teachers of anatomy as covering “the 3Fs”. (The first two Fs being “fight” and “flight” – the third F being one of the most usual conclusions of mutual attraction between adult humans). </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Now you may think that all of this extra adrenalin and excitement is a Good Thing. And in many ways it is. But for me it often hasn't felt that way, and I'm now starting to realise why.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">As a craniosacral therapist I've known for some time that too much of a good thing, is <i>too much</i>. If there is more input going into the body that it feels that it can take, the body treats this as a problem. In ordinary language we in the West have a word for it, it's called getting overwhelmed.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">And when we get overwhelmed by strong feelings, the body usually does something like what your home electricity circuits do when there is too much current. The circuit breaker gets activated – and then the lights go out.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">The body's equivalent of this is that we find ways of <i>distancing</i> ourselves from these strong feelings. For most people this involves some combination of clamping down their muscles in some way, freezing, or “spinning out” (going into a day-dreamy state in their head where they are not really able to feel their body and all the strong feelings happening there). An alternative is to go into thinking and analysing what's going on and getting <i>really involved</i> with these thoughts, which again is the body's way of metaphorically sticking it's fingers in its ears and saying to the strong feelings “la la la, I can't hear you!”.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">The key realisation that I had the other evening standing in front of a beautiful woman at my dance class is that I usually experience attraction as a <i>very</i> strong feeling. So strong it goes past the “this is rather nice and rather exciting stage” and well into my body's red-zone of “Iceberg ahead! – Man the lifeboats, abandon ship!” </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">It was fairly obvious to me that this is not the ideal response to standing in front of someone I fancy, but it dawned on me that this is usually, in one form or another what I do. I've noticed that when this happens I find it difficult to look them in the eye, I get convinced that they will see how attracted I'm feeling and they won't be OK with this – so I try not to show it, or to hide it, or to at least tone it down. Or I end up saying something daft. And then I wonder why they have started to look at me funny!</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">What has occurred is that I've felt a very strong feeling, my system has gone into overwhelm, and one way or another I've left my body and left being in <i>relationship</i> with the person I'm standing in front of. Which, all in all, is pretty rubbish really.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">But it wasn't all sobering reality - the second part of the realisation that came on the dancefloor the other night was that it doesn't have to be this way.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I'd received some pretty good preparation for this realisation. I'd just spent a week doing some amazing workshops with Joanna Watters, <a href="http://www.beingmoved.com/">Colin Harrison</a> and Paul Wolflight exploring what it is to live as a human being in a body and I'd picked up some pretty powerful insights along the way.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Something really unlocked for me during a workshop with Colin and Paul on anger, called <i>Passion for Change</i>. The revelation is around what we all usually do with strong feelings (anger being a good example). Most of us when we have a strong feeling – take anger, either express it “You bloody idiot! Look where you're going!” or repress it (which involves finding some way of squishing it down and pretending it's not happening).</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Expressing it feels good, at least in the short term. We've thrown away this strong energy and it is no longer troubling us. The problem is that we've usually thrown it <i>at</i> someone and they are now feeling the consequences. And assuming that they are not happy about this, <i>we'll</i> soon feel the consequences. We've also probably turned that person into an object, made judgments about them, and this usually ends quite badly one way or another.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Repressing the feeling is even worse. We lose contact with our body and with what is really happening, we leave relationship with our environment or whoever we're with, and we squish down this uncomfortable energy, where it gets stored in our body like toxic waste, ready to leak out or explode at inopportune moments.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">As you've probably guessed by now, there's a third way. And it doesn't involve anyone getting blasted or squished. It's called <i>conducting</i>.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Here comes the hard part for me. I'm going to do my best to describe something that is fairly new to me, and which can't easily be put into words. A bit like a person who has tasted 1 or 2 strawberries trying to describe the taste to someone who has never tasted one before. (Although I may be about to describe something that you know very well and that you do all the time. In which case, well done to you – I only wish you'd told me about it. A long time ago. It would have saved me a lot of heartache!)</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Conducting is <i>having</i> the feeling. (Imagine an east-end London accent at this point) – really “ 'avin it!” - 'avin it <i>large</i>. It's really inhabiting the feeling, breathing the energy of it around your body. Perhaps even moving your body a little to allow the energy to circulate. Letting the feeling be what it really is, which is a felt sense of a particular flavour of energy in your body and enjoying and celebrating that energy (rather than getting bothered about where it came from or where it's going).</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">This is the opposite of catharsis, which is trying to throw away the energy. It's <i>inhabiting</i> the energy, letting your body hum with it, and then using it creatively or letting it simply pass through.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">On the workshops I experienced consciously doing this with the strong energies of attraction, anger and hostility. It was really empowering to realise that I could feel these things – <i>really</i> feel them, without feeling that I needed to do anything about them. I didn't need to express or repress – I could conduct. And the great thing about conducting is that I was able to stay in my body and stay in relationship with myself, with my environment and with anyone I was with.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">And standing in front of this very lovely dancer last Tuesday night this is just what I did. I felt the strong feelings running through my body and breathed into them – not being scared of them as I often am, but really allowed myself to have the feelings as <i>mine</i>. “This is my attraction, in response to you”. I felt amazingly energised and excited. I felt completely in my body and I felt <i>comfortable</i> with the feelings. I felt no need to hide them or make excuses for them. I felt no compulsion to act awkward or weird. I felt lit up like a torch – a beacon of attraction and I was beaming myself right at my dancing partner – loving being me, loving being me <i>with her</i>. It was beautiful. And it didn't mean anything anymore than an flower, a lion or a waterfall means anything. It was just what was happening, and I was loving it.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">The dancer in question confided in me afterwards that this dance had been a particularly beautiful experience for her too and had really opened her to dropping into her body and her sexuality, which was amazingly touching for me to hear.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I realised that I had from time to time stumbled on this way of being in relationship with strong feelings by accident on quite a number of occasions in the past, but without being aware what I was doing. The difference is that this time I was able to make a conscious choice to feel what was happening and to love it. It tasted like freedom.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">I recognised that I now have the possibility of doing this whenever I'm feeling strong feelings, whatever those strong feelings may be and to taste the freedom that comes with <i>embracing</i> my life.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">And I recognise that the old patterns are still running. That my reflex reaction to feeling a strong feeling will often be to slip into “identification” (thinking that the feeling is <i>part</i> of me, and therefore not something that I can choose to feel). Once I'm in identification the strong feeling becomes a “problem”, the person or object that caused it becomes my oppressor and I become the victim. I become fixated on what's happening <i>out there</i>, instead of feeling what's happening in here. I then feel that I need to “do something” about the perceived problem. I feel unsafe. And I start <i>trying</i>. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">And there is another way.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">To conduct my feelings is to leave the victim identity behind, to stand in my power and to love my life, in relationship with the world.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">My prayer is that I do that more. Lots more.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">~</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Lay down your weapons</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">You're not under attack,</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Though it often seems that way.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Yes, there are big waves coming in.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Big feelings, huge sensations, gigantic emotions. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">So massive they threaten to engulf you. </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Big BIG waves.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">And they are coming this way.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">You know what to do with big waves.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Grab your board, jump on, </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">turn it around and start paddling.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Feel the Ocean under you as it grabs your board,</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Stand up in your glory and ride,</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Celebrate the turbulence and the froth,</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">The curves in the swell.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Revel in the conversation between you and the sea.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Ride the waves, </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">all the way back to the shore.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">You can't fight the waves.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">But you can surf them.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Lay down your weapons.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">You're not under attack.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">It's just the Ocean being the Ocean.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">You and the Ocean are two parts</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">of the same whole.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Of the same love.</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">~</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">love</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;">Daniel</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><br />
</div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-91967447001591892062011-09-25T13:21:00.000-07:002011-09-25T13:27:13.474-07:00Waking up~<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
The most precious<br />
<br />
<i>The</i> most precious,<br />
<br />
is<br />
<br />
The Union<br />
between<br />
<br />
what is happening<br />
in my experience<br />
right now<br />
<br />
and<br />
<br />
my capacity to<br />
love it<br />
completely -<br />
<br />
to cherish it,<br />
<br />
to prize it beyond<br />
<br />
Anything else.<br />
<br />
To value<br />
my life.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
~Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-57556249630533104252011-07-24T04:16:00.001-07:002011-07-24T16:05:39.244-07:00No need to be lonely<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><br />
</span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white; font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="text-decoration: none;">“</span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">You are either free, up against it or hiding.”</span></span></span></span><br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0cm;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">is something one of my teachers said recently that really hit home.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">My understanding of what he meant was something like: in any given moment in life we are either (a) touched by our experience, not feeling separate from it and flowing easily and naturally with it, (b) fighting with life and suffering and often realising that we are doing this, or (c) so </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">detatched</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">from our experience that we don’t even realise that we are distant from it, alternatively knowingly putting our heads in the sand and trying to pretend it isn't happening.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I had a profound experience of the first two very clearly recently within a very short space of time, which I’d like to share with you. The third is very familiar to me too, but this experience was mainly about the freedom and fighting.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I had recently given notice from a job that I’d held for 15 years, which I had fallen out of love with. I’d decided to follow my heart and devote all of my time to building work based around heartfulness and presence. To say that I felt excited and energised was a bit of an understatement. I was stoked. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And then I went dancing. I went to <a href="http://www.gabrielleroth.com/">5 Rhythms</a></span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">, which is a dance practice somewhere between clubbing and meditation. We dance for the joy of dancing and we dance to come home to ourselves and to connect to others, to connect to life.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">As well as being great fun and really joyous, it can also be a challenging place to be. It certainly is for me, and others have told me the same. In addition to the easy, openhearted bits, I often see myself playing out all of my life patterns on the dancefloor - feeling self-conscious, comparing myself to others, judging them, sometimes even fixating on them. It’s not pretty. But because it is a dancing meditation, we are encourged to </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">notice</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">what’s going on. We see that we are suffering, and quite often we have haven’t got a clue what do to about it. I often haven’t got a clue about what to do about it, if in fact there is anything that actually <i>needs</i> to be done. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">And on this particular evening for the first 30 minutes that just wasn’t happening. My habitual patterns weren’t running. I was simply in my experience and loving it. I was free.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I was able to have a very conscious experience of what free </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">felt</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">like. I loved my dance (though there was no ego attachment to it) there was just loving my dance. I loved everyone else’s dances without exception. I wasn’t judging them, I was loving them. If I felt attraction for someone it felt simple and easy - I was able to celebrate it as my feeling of attraction and to share it with them without wanting or expecting anything back - and I could see from their response that they enjoyed receiving the simple gift of my appreciation without any of the usual strings attached. Everything, but everything felt simple and easy. I was flowing </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">with</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">life. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">It gave me a glimpse. A glimpse of what’s possible, when I’m not run by my patterns and when I’m simply living as part of life. As life. Separate, but not separate.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And then, as predicted it happened. After about 30 minutes of freedom, my patterns started to re-emerge. I found myself feeling slightly dissatisfied with my dance, and judging and comparing others. When I felt attraction for someone I could sometimes notice my attention becoming fixated on them, which didn’t feel nice. (I’m guesing it didn’t feel nice for them either, but even inside me it didn’t feel too good). Things no longer felt completely easy. There was in fact a quiet but persistent sense that </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">somewhere</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">, just out of direct line of sight there was an (as yet undefined) problem. I knew that this was something that I was doing to reality - but I didn’t know how to set myself free. Damn! I was “up against it”.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">And it was a wonderful contrast. To be able to experience both so clearly and so fully within a 1 hour period was a great gift and allowed me to see certain things much more clearly.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">After about half an hour of this general grumpiness, I was reminded of <a href="http://ordinarymysteries.blogspot.com/2011/04/coming-home-to-be-healed.html">my recent insights</a> and I started to get curious. Were there feelings in my body that wanted to be felt and that I wasn’t feeling? I checked. Yup. There they were. I couldn’t fully feel them but I could just about see where they were hanging out. Why couldn’t I feel them? Most of my attention was outside on the others, liking them, disliking them, making up stories about them, obsessing over them and generally fixating on them. Very little of my attention was on my own body. I’d left home. I’d abandoned myself - at least temporarily. It felt painful and a little lonely. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I resolved just for that moment to bring all of my attention in. To ignore everyone else and to carry on dancing but to feel the feelings. Could I do it? Yes. Was it difficult? No, not really, once I’d noticed that I needed to do it and made a firm decision that that’s what I was going to do for a bit. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">And so I did. I carried on dancing and felt the feelings. I let the feelings become part of my physical expression and danced the feelings. All of them. I danced my sadness and frustration, my anger and my joy, my grief and my delight.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">In the mix there were some strong so-called “negative” feelings - sadness, anger, grief. But there was nothing happening in my life that I felt these things about. Where did these strong “negative” feelings come from? My sense is/was that they are old stuff - old “stories” stored in my body, from days gone by when strong experiences happened that I wasn’t able to process, and so my body has buried them. (A bit like the way that we currently bury radioactive waste, becuase we don’t know how to process it and make it safe). And by not paying attention to these strong buried feelings they were leaking out all over the place, making my life and that of those around me a less pleasant place to be.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">So, I just felt them these feelings. I gave myself to it and them 100% for a little while. And the effect was amazing. The feelings didn’t go away, but I came home.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">There I was, in my body, dancing and feeling, just dancing and feeling, eyes half closed, having my experience, no separation - once again, free.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">But this was a slightly different free from earlier that evening. Earlier it had been free with no painful feelings. Now it was free with painful feelings. The first one didn’t seem to take any practice to do. The second was a little bit more challenging, because my usual pattern when there are painful feelings to be felt is </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">not</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">to feel them. </span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And yet in some ways I noticed that it was the </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">same</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">free. All I needed to do was to feel what I was feeling, to embrace my experience and life became easy again, the sense of dissatisfaction and problem disappeared and I was able to celebrate - everything. Even though I was not in contact with others, I noticed I didn’t feel lonely, not a bit. I felt...loved.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I noticed that along with feeling the pain, I was suddenly able to feel joy too. Gradually I was able to open my eyes and see the others and include them. I wasn’t judging them anymore, I was able to see them, just see them and appreciate them for who they were, as they were. Gradually, being careful to “stay at home” with myself and my feelings I was able to make eye contact. It was a bit vulnerable at first, because I was allowing them to see my how I was, with all of my feelings, but also felt simple and easy. Nothing to hide. Hello you, this is me. I’m like this right now. Ah, you’re like that. Nice to meet you.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I had some exquisite dances from that place, of meeting people including all the feelings that were happening in me and by doing that being able to include them too. I was so touched to be sharing myself with them and to be able to appreciate them as they appreciated me and I appreciated myself. I felt such gratitude. Gratitude to myself, gratitude to my partners, gratitude to life. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">And this was a deeper glimpse. A glimpse of how I could be free in the world when things inside didn’t feel easy. How I didn’t need to zone out or withdraw, but how I could completely include myself and from there relate with the world. I didn’t need to wait for the moment that all of my “stuff” would be resolved. I could do this in any moment. In any moment when I was able to notice that I’d left home and when I was willing to come home, face the music and feel the feelings.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">And the simple insight that I gained from this experience was I can now see the suffering and fixation as a </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">reminder</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">- a reminder that I’ve “left home”.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><b><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Whenever I notice my attention is out - that I’m judging others or myself - that I’m wondering whether they like me or what they are thinking, when there feels like there is a problem with life - its a sure sign that there’s something closer to home that is crying out to be felt.</span></b></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">All I need to do is to come in, and just for a little while give in all my attention, before being able to open out my attention and include the rest of the world. </span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">How do I know if I’m actually feeling the feeling? It’s not as obvious as I originally thought.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">I had a craniosacral session the other day and told my craniosacral therapist that I was feeling </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">tired</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">. I thought that’s what I was feeling. And to some extent it was true. But then she said “can you sink into the tiredness and feel what’s there?”. I realised that I had been hovering above the tiredness, not really feeling it, somehow resisting it (and yes, that background sense of “problem” was there too). When I sank </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">into</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">the tiredness and let myself feel it I contacted something else, a sense of deep sadness/grief. And with it came a sense of relief, a sense of coming home. It was touching.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">I found myself writing the following words this morning:</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">*If I am getting externally fixated it’s because there’s a feeling that want’s to be felt and I’m not at home to feel it.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">* If there is a sense of tiredness/contraction/resistance - I’m probably floating just </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">above</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">the feeling...almost feeling it but not quite.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Can I melt into the tiredness/resistance? What is there that I’m not yet fully feeling?</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">* Feeling the feelings doesn’t have a scratchy resistant quality to it (that quality indicates to that I’m not </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">quite</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">in the place of my experience).</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">That resistance is probably the “self contraction” that keeps me seperate from life/oneness/unity.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Feeling the feelings has a relieving - coming home quality.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Even if it is accompanied by sadness/anger/grief.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
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<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">It is touching.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">(Because </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">it</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">is </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">touching</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">experience).</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">If there feels like there is a problem ask:</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Am I touched by my experience right now?</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Can I melt into my experience and let it have me, let it touch me.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">If the answer is no, then can I be touched by that?</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">By my feeling of separation from life and the </span></span></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><i><span style="font-weight: normal;">loneliness</span></i></span></span><span style="text-decoration: none;"> </span><span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;">that accompanies it.</span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Keep gently enquiring.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Stay with yourself - not trying, but not abandoning yourself either.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">You’re just up against it, that’s all.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Until you are touched by your experience.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Until you are home.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Free.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;"><br />
</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Home.</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">~</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">love</span></span></span></span></span><br />
<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: black;"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: white;"><br />
</span></span><br />
<span style="text-decoration: none;"><span style="font-family: Arial;"><span style="font-style: normal;"><span style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="background-color: black; color: white;">Daniel</span></span></span></span></span></div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-42791413644179226232011-07-22T07:53:00.000-07:002011-07-22T09:39:27.081-07:00Rules of Being HumanI didn't write this and I can't quite discover who did. I found it at the end of a great book on Craniosacral Therapy by Rollin Becker called <i>The Stillness of Life</i>. I think it's rather fab.<em><strong> </strong></em><br />
<br />
<em><strong>Rules of Being Human</strong></em><br />
<br />
1. <strong>You will receive a body</strong>. You may like it or hate it, but it will be yours for the entire period this time around.<br />
<br />
2. <strong>You will learn lessons</strong>. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or think them irrelevant or stupid.<br />
<br />
3. <strong>There are no mistakes, only lessons.</strong> Growth is a process of trial and error experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiment that ultimately "works".<br />
<br />
4. <strong> A lesson is repeated until it is learned.</strong> A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.<br />
<br />
5. <strong> Learning lessons does not end.</strong> There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive then there are lessons to be learned.<br />
<br />
6. <strong>"There" is no better than "here"</strong>. When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will, again, look better than "here".<br />
<br />
7.<strong> Others are merely mirrors of you.</strong> You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.<br />
<br />
8. <strong>What you make of your life is up to you.</strong> You have all of the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.<br />
<br />
9. <strong>Your answers lie inside you.</strong> The answers to life's questions lie inside you. All you need to do is look, listen and trust.<br />
<br />
10. <strong>You will forget all this.</strong><br />
<br />
<strong>~ </strong><br />
<strong><br />
</strong><br />
<strong><a href="https://www.facebook.com/Daniel.Kingsley.Cranio">Daniel Kingsley - Cranio - on Facebook</a></strong><br />
<strong><a href="http://www.reconnectohealth.co.uk/">www.reconnectohealth.co.uk</a></strong>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-43570036531674072852011-04-27T05:42:00.000-07:002011-04-29T01:51:19.543-07:00Coming home to be healed<div class="MsoNormal">Amma came to me last night. I don’t mean that she came in a dream by some sort of astral travel, if that’s the sort of thing she’s prone to do, but more that (at 3am today) I had a palpable sense of who she is and what she offers, and it opened my heart. More importantly, I had a sense that it is something that is a potential in me, you and in everyone. It was a profound experience and I want to share it with you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not really important for you to like or even know Amma for the purpose of this story. Her role in proceedings here is metaphorical. But in order to understand what I have to share it might help for you to have some idea who she is and what she does, if you haven’t met her yet yourself.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Amma is a large jolly looking Indian woman who hugs people. Lots of people. She goes all around the world doing it and people queue up to be hugged by her. Many people believe that she is a living saint - an enlightened avatar, and that her hugs have mystical and healing properties. This is why they queue up for hours and late into the night to receive her blessing and her embrace. They come to her to experience her love, they come to her for healing.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I’ve met her and been hugged by her on 2 occasions in the past. Actually, the hugs were not life changing experiences for me. Frankly, I’ve had better hugs from the people I love and more transformative esoteric energetic experiences from other beings and teachers. There is no denying, however, that the feeling of the room when you are sitting there with her and the other participants is a delightful one and it does feel to me like bathing in a sea of love. There are many worse ways to spend a Tuesday evening, especially in Alexandra Palace.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Anyway, this story is not a discussion of Amma and her work and whether or not it is a good use of anyone’s time to seek her out for a cuddle, it’s much more about what I realised at 3am this morning and how it reminds me of what she does and what we all can do.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">At 10pm yesterday I arrived back from an amazing tantra workshop with <a href="http://www.janday.com/">Jan Day</a> (Living Tantra 1, since you ask) where we had spent the entire week practising saying “yes!” to all of our human experience. Yes to the pleasure, yes to the pain, yes to our sexuality, yes to our wounding, yes to it all. It did feel like something had started to shift in me during the workshop, that I was finally ready to start to embrace parts of my experience that in the past I had at best tolerated and at worst had actively been resisting. I offer my deep heartfelt thanks and my gratitude to Jan for holding such a safe space for me to start this part of that journey. I sense that I will be working with her some more.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">But doing it on a workshop is one thing. Doing it in life is quite another. And doing it at 3am in my own bed when I can’t sleep is not something I would have believed possible. And yet it was.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I woke up at about 3am feeling intense discomfort in my body. This is not an unfamiliar experience for me. There are old patterns in my body (probably trauma from childhood, perhaps not) that play out at various times and whilst I’m asleep is one of their favourite times to express. I often wake feeling internally contorted and churned up and in such physical/emotional discomfort that I’m unable to sleep.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">What I usually do is try to find a way to soothe these patterns away. Essentially finding the places that are tight and gently bringing my attention to them telling them that it’s ok for them to relax. And they usually do, eventually. And then I can go back to sleep.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And this is fine, up to a point. Except it feels like a bit of a sticking plaster. I simply relax the tense places enough for me to sleep, but the underlying patterns themselves are not addressed. They are not addressed because I don’t really <i>want</i> to engage with them, to meet them and to know them. I feel a little like a teacher who has learned to be able to calm down the children in class who are misbehaving, rather than being willing to sit down with them and really help them to work through the pain that was causing them to misbehave in the first place.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And that’s what was different last night. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Last night when the pain came, for perhaps the first time I was willing and able to welcome it. Not to try to soothe it away, not to try to deal with it, but simply to be genuinely curious about who had come to visit and to welcome it as a long-lost cousin from a far-away land (which in reality is not so far away at all).</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The experience was incredibly moving and the response of my body was astounding. The pain came – I said yes. The tears came, I said yes. My body contorted into strange shapes – I said yes. I said welcome.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was left after about 30 minutes feeling more relaxed than I had ever felt when I had been trying to soothe the pain away. I felt like a little part of the pain had really been <i>met </i>and having really been met had been able to let go. But even this is beside the point. I felt that I had been really inside and <i>celebrating </i>my experience, even though it was a difficult one.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was reminded of what my teacher Adam had said to me recently about the absolutely fundamental importance of really being willing to have the experience I was actually having and that when I was refusing to do so I was rejecting and devaluing my life. I was starting to have a deeper glimpse of how it might be to really embrace all of my experience and so to be present in all of my life, celebrating it all.<br />
<br />
I am now starting to see that <i>there is no end-goal in life beyond this</i>, being present in and celebrating our experience.<br />
<br />
I was reminded of the metaphor of life as a record player that came to me recently. (I know record players are rather old-skool now, but updating it to CD technology seems to squish the romance). Our still-conscious nature is the needle, our ever-changing experience is the vinyl. When consciousness touches experience, there is love. When the needle that we are as source touches the vinyl of the experience that appears and changes, we are the music that plays. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was also reminded of something that <a href="http://www.pamelasatsang.com/">Pamela Wilson</a> had said when I had explored the question of pain with her. She had said that the pain comes to you as the guru, in order to be seen and loved by you and to be set free. I had understood what she had said at the time but had had no sense that it might actually be possible for me to do and try as I might had been able to relate in this way with my pain. Except last night at 3am, that’s just what I did. And it was so, so beautiful!</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I was moved to pick up my pen and write some words. These are the words that came:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><b>Coming home to be healed.</b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s not about even allowing tension/pain to soften.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">It’s about the patterns of pain coming to you, for you to love them and set them free.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Don’t</i> ask “How can I be free from this pain?</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Do</i> ask: “Who comes to me just now for healing?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“What is your nature?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And then say:</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Ah! You’re like that!”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Yes!”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Welcome! Welcome just as you are!”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“There’s no need for you (the tension, the sadness, the pain) to change”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“Welcome home”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">“You are loved.”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">~</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Ask simply: “Who comes to me next for healing?”</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Sit, as Amma sits, in front of the queue of beautiful hurting pieces coming to you for a hug, and one after another love them. Say: “Yes my child, welcome home!”. And hug them to your chest as they sob in your arms, and the two of you cry and laugh together.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Some of them have traveled many miles to be here, as they have heard that you are a saint of extraordinary power, a living embodiment of god. You tell them: “I don’t know about that, but you are very welcome nonetheless and I love you. Yes, my child, it’s OK to cry, mummy’s here. Yes, sweet one, it’s all OK”. And rock them gently in your arms as one by one you welcome them home.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Don’t play favourites, take them into your arms in the order they come to you.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Don’t try to change them.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><i>Don’t even try to set them free.</i></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Just ask “who comes to me for a blessing?” </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And love them one after another.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">Because that’s what they need.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And because you are the only one who can.</div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-37312746250446656132010-12-21T04:16:00.000-08:002010-12-22T05:01:57.942-08:00A perfect moment"Perfect moments" often crop up when you least expect them to. The one that inspired the piece of writing that follows occurred on the not-especially-wonderful-but-quite-nice Manly Beach in Sydney after I'd spent 45 minutes wandering round the surf shops deciding that I couldn't find a T-shirt that I was prepared to pay the asking price of $60 for. Not a very auspicious background for a realisation of bliss, you might think (as I did). On this occassion we would both have been wrong...<br />
<br />
As I sat looking out to sea, waiting vaguely for my friend to finish her shopping, a sense of complete wellbeing arose, along with some realisations that caused me to pick up my pen and my notebook, as I luxuriated in a perfect moment, in the sure knowledge that I could not hold onto it.<br />
<br />
Of course, all moments are perfect, it's all about our relationship to reality, and that is the real subject of the little meandering poem/exploration below. I hope you enjoy it. <br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
The absolute bliss<br />
of a perfect moment,<br />
which is any moment<br />
when you know<br />
without a trace of doubt,<br />
that all is well,<br />
everything is as it should be,<br />
and nothing needs to be done.<br />
<br />
You are home.<br />
You <i>are</i> home -<br />
knowing that there is no distinction<br />
between you and home.<br />
You are, we are, it is<br />
One.<br />
<br />
From here<br />
it seems almost incredible<br />
that you ever believed<br />
that there was anything wrong,<br />
that there was a problem with life,<br />
that you needed something<br />
in order to be<br />
complete.<br />
<br />
And yet,<br />
checking the record books,<br />
the archives,<br />
the Polaroids,<br />
you realise that you've been here<br />
many times before.<br />
<br />
Paradise found,<br />
has somehow,<br />
always become<br />
paradise lost.<br />
<br />
The glorious holiday you took last year,<br />
is now reduced to a collection of<br />
fragments of fading memory,<br />
as is every other cherished experience<br />
you've ever had,<br />
or ever will have.<br />
<br />
And the joy, which was welcome<br />
has been replaced by flatness<br />
or discomfort,<br />
which aren't welcome at all.<br />
<br />
How can this be?<br />
<br />
It is simply the experience of being<br />
human.<br />
<br />
It seems you have been<br />
holding on to<br />
the superficially plausible myth,<br />
that a single perfect moment<br />
can save your soul.<br />
And it can't.<br />
<br />
No experience is it,<br />
and yet any experience<br />
can be the gateway<br />
to recovering your birthright.<br />
<br />
To knowing yourself<br />
as the ocean,<br />
the wave,<br />
the grain of sand,<br />
and as god,<br />
as love.<br />
<br />
So,<br />
how to live?<br />
If nothing is it<br />
and everything is it?<br />
<br />
I shrug and admit,<br />
that I don't know.<br />
<br />
What I do know<br />
is that<br />
living will happen,<br />
choices will be made,<br />
and life will unfold.<br />
<br />
And the only choice remaining<br />
that's worth the candle<br />
is to love it,<br />
<br />
over and over<br />
and over<br />
again.<br />
<br />
~<br />
<br />
love<br />
<br />
DanielDrkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-18929334644113315652010-11-24T17:20:00.000-08:002010-11-24T17:23:33.744-08:00Waking up and feeling the feelings...<div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
I woke this morning, or rather I was half asleep and waking up, but I realised in my groggy state that all was not well in my world. </div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">There was a (annoyingly familiar) sense that something was wrong and a sense of discomfort that was emotional and physical at the same time. My mind went into irritation, disappointment and then immediately to trying to plan things to do in order to “solve the problem” and “make it stop”. This is a pretty familiar morning pattern. What happened next is less familiar.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">In the midst of this turmoil, by grace, the enquiry arose:</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">“Are there any difficult feelings that need to be felt that you're not feeling?”</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Still half-asleep, I felt into my body.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I could feel tension in my belly, holding and shaking in my jaw, but beneath that there were feelings of fear, petulance, sadness and some others that I could not even name.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">There was also resistance to feeling the feelings – a sense of not wanting them, but I noticed that the resistance was melting fast in the presence of my new-found curiosity about what I was feeling.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I stopped trying to name the feelings and gently felt into them.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Gradually, as I did so, they moved and shifted, everything softened and the resistance melted away. I could sense the texture of the feelings, their shape and colour. I felt tender towards them. Feelings still remained but it was no longer me and them – we were in it together. I felt ease in the midst of the feelings. I felt a sense of peace and drifted deliciously back to sleep.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I woke 2 and a half hours later. It was now 10:30am. I was delighted! I felt so rested. I felt easy, peaceful and simple.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">I had this insight (both new to me and a reminder of something I already knew but had forgotten) and I wanted to share it:</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The sense of problem</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The sense that something needs to be done</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">That I need to <i>do</i> something (but it isn't clear what)</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The feeling of discomfort/suffering</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The sense of needing distraction</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">The feeling of being incomplete...</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">...are all essentially <b>the same thing</b>.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">And are all caused by my not feeling feelings that want/need to be felt.</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;">~</div><div lang="en-GB" style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">Whatever is left afterwards is <span lang="en-GB">simply sensation and feeling. This may include both pleasant and unpleasant sensations/feelings and frequently both.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">~</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">Right now, as I write this having got out of bed and to my notebook and picked up my pen, there is no problem. There is nowhere to go, nothing that needs to be done in order to perfect this moment.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">Even though I have not yet brushed my teeth and my mouth feels like the morning after the night before. My mouth can wait.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">Even though there is holding in my stomach and shaking in my jaw.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">In the midst of a soft, sweet sadness, lying like a gentle blanket over all the world.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">Here I know I need nothing and it's all OK.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">There is an ease and a quiet satisfaction.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">There is very little mental activity and no worrying or planning for the future.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">I am very simply in contact with myself, my feelings and my truth (which is both mine and not mine).</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">It is clear that from this place action (if necessary) is simple and unproblematic. </span> </div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">I feel gratitude and love.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">This is what it feels like to be home.</span></div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><br />
</div><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;"><span lang="en-GB">~</span></div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4432072969859750690.post-48990241149122705712010-10-19T14:54:00.000-07:002010-11-05T16:02:35.984-07:00Heading home<div class="MsoNormal">The dance-meditation of 5 Rhythms was ending for the evening and I lay sprawled on the floor in exquisite stillness, wanting nothing, needing nothing, knowing that there was nowhere to go and nothing to do. Once again I had remembered what I often forget, that life is essentially simple and living it can be very very simple.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">As I sat in the silence of the closing circle I remembered the words of my teacher Adam, when I thanked him for the retreat I’d done in Portugal, telling him that it was one of the richest experiences that I’d ever had. He said: “It was a rich experience, because you were there for it”.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I reflected on the moments in the dance when just for a moment I fall totally in love with the way that my arm is moving or the angle my foot makes when it touches the ground, and how that moment feels precious and perfect, and was reminded that what Adam had said was spot-on. My experience was satisfying because I was there, loving it.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And this goes for difficult or painful experiences as well. That same evening, I heard a dancer in the circle speak this very clearly when she spoke of a transformative and joyous experience of loving the pain and heartache that were arising for her and how this allowed her to appreciate love and joy simultaneously, and knew that I’d similar experiences of opening to what I often push away and how seeming lead was transformed instantly into gold. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I reflected on those times when although I was dancing my heart out I metaphorically had my fingers crossed behind my back, willing my painful experience to go away, or the times when rather than feel the discomfort I distracted myself by getting very interested in what other people were doing, judging them or letting my mind develop strategies for getting close to them. Of course, what I was doing was leaving the reality of myself in order to meet an <i>idea</i> of them. No wonder it didn’t feel satisfying.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I also reflected on the times when people have said to me “wow, I so loved your dancing tonight” and how if I hadn’t been loving my dancing, no amount of praise from others could turn an empty experience into a full one. If I had been loving my dancing their love and appreciation would always be the icing on the cake.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">The blindingly obvious truth is: the only one who can be there for my experience is me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">And if I’m not there for it, either because I’m pushing it away or distracting myself from it using thoughts the result is that I feel “split”. The lights are on but there’s no-one at home. My experience feels dissatisfying.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I realised sitting in that circle of silence, that I often under-value my experience, having a “hard wired” assumption that what’s happening somewhere else in the room is more interesting than what’s happening here, leaving myself to go on a fruitless search for salvation. The flip side is that when I don’t, when I dare to be there for myself, I discover infinite riches. From that place of being truly at home I can go out into the world and meet other people in a different sort of way and to have something exquisitely valuable to share with them. Me.</div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">After the circle broke up, I accepted an invitation to drink tea with some friends at a local café - we left in separate cars. Driving there and sitting at the red traffic light I had a choice of two directions – left to the café and right for the road home. I'd chosen my lane and the indicator was blinking left. Surprisingly, I found myself in a conflict about whether or not to join my friends having accepted their kind invitation only minutes earlier. </div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal">I checked in with myself to discover what was going on inside and the answer was clear. I realised that I wasn't feeling sociable - there were some painful feelings bubbling and what in fact I wanted was to spend some time with myself gently feeling them. With relief, I recognised that I could simply do what felt right in that moment - my friends would understand. As the light turned green I changed the indicator from left to right and headed home.</div>Drkingshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16798341627204705354noreply@blogger.com3