Self Concern...and true Inquiry

This is poem that wrote itself at about 5am on the last day of a stunning (and very challenging) 2 week retreat this February.

I feel very vulnerable sharing this because it feels like a very precious revelation and because my mind is fearful that I can't or won't live it.  And living this revelation is what my heart yearns for over and above anything else. So here it is...


Self concern 

Tonight at 4.30am I experienced 

True inquiry

Perhaps for the first time. 

It was touching. 

It was beautiful 

It was stunning. 

It was undeniable. 

Awareness noticed that the being was indentified

So it remembered itself

It entered life through the heart as Presence 

And simply recovered intimacy with itself

And wept as it remembered

The heart of intimacy. 

Tears of gratitude. Coming home. At last. 

Then it said:

“From here we can start”

Touched it cried gently again and said:

“Now we can start”

Awareness as love

Noticed an attitude of self concern arise 

Gosh! It said. 

Interesting!

What’s that?

So it started by asking “what’s it like?”

And by becoming in it and as it very soon 

From the inside it simply knew. 

But the inquiry didn’t stop

It continued dropping 

And unfolding

By itself 

Until something like a deep resting place was found 

And awareness was satisfied 

And touched. 

That it understood. 

Then inquiry went on inquiring into other things 

Such as appreciating the nature of inquiry!

Stunning. 

It wrote the above 

With the help of clear rested mind

At 5am

When being decided it had better things

To do than 

Sleep. 

~

The self concern:

“Am I ok?” is

Really “Am I fundamentally broken?”

Fundamentally useless and unloveable 

Will I be left alone and unloved?

A broken thing

On the scrapheap 

Alone, lonely and suffering 

Forever.

From a place of self intimacy 

It can be seen that this was never true. 

I was never broken/wrong/

That this was just a painful untrue cherished belief 

At the core of who I thought I was

And who I have habitually taken myself to be

I didn’t discover the truth of this 

Love discovered the truth of this 

Through inquiry 

Because it wanted to find out 

What was at the heart of suffering

Because love is interested 

In everything 

Including pain. 

Inquiry did inquiry 

Being discovering itself 

Because it wants to find out

Because it cares. 

Awareness was doing inquiry 

Into “me”. 

~

Having been fully understood. 

From the inside

The attitude of self concern

Need not 

Ever be taken seriously 

Again

Instead it can be consumed

As the first course

Of the banquet

Of the remains of who I was.

Looking after the vulnerable and young parts...

Over the past 5 years I've had a series of increasingly touching set of meetings with the vulnerable "young" parts of my being, which psychologists or psychotherapists tend to call "the Inner Child".

My understanding of this framing is that the parts of us that get emotional (and especially scared) never really grow up and forever function as if they are a small child.  That's certainly how it feels to me when I meet these parts of me.

This "child" doesn't really engage via rational reasoning - it's too young for that.  The main language it speaks is feelings and the main things it needs are being listened to with love and reassurance that it is OK and loved just as it is, and that in the midst of the fear it is feeling, all is in fact well.

This is essentially the way we would relate with a young pre-verbal child - love, warmth, attention and hugs.  And it makes the most beautiful difference.

I had some very touching realisations about this following a recent retreat and two poems arose.

Here they are:

Running and Resting

I have spent 

the whole of my life

until now

running on empty

driven by the distress

of a child inside me

desperate to be held

and stroked 

and told “It’s ok, I’m here”

and told “you’re ok exactly as you are...

...I love you

just like this.

No need to move a muscle

No need to change a thing

You are safe

You are so very very loved

Just like this.”

Rest now honey.

No need to run

Ever again. 

I’m with you. 

We can rest

together. 

With love, gratitude and gentle resting. 

 ~

He

He

My little one

Is my first priority.

He had had some 

Pretty scary experiences

Coming into the world 

So he’s often not sure

If he can trust

Life. 

If left without reassurance 

He spends most of his time

On amber or red alert. 

With alarm bells ringing. 

Which is really understandable. 

In the circumstances. 

When doesn’t get the reassurance,

That he needs 

To feel safe enough,

he feels desperate.

And desperate measures are called for...

Something, anything will do

To switch off the alarm

Or distract from the pain.

Life for both of us,

He and me,

Becomes a scrabble 

For safety -

Doing deals

Trying to manipulate or control the world 

Trying to get reassurance “you’re ok”. 

Yet it is never enough. 

When I remember that he

Is only a part of me

When I remember myself

As the vast open space

When I fall in love with silence...

I can hold him 

so very gently

with no agenda 

other to be with him

and everything else 

that appears in me

exactly as they are. 

And everything can feel held

In love. 

And can feel safe enough to

Come out to play

And dance

With no motive 

Other than to be life 

Meeting life. 

Like waves waving 

And meeting

On a vast ocean. 

The ocean doesn’t mind

 a few choppy waves 

The ocean doesn’t mind being a huge tsunami 

The ocean doesn’t mind being as flat as a millpond. 

This is how god loves us. 

This is who we are. 

~

With love, tenderness, wonder and vast vast space 

Daniel